Sandcastle Dreams.

25 Oct
I’ve felt like for the longest time that I wish I could somehow figure out a way to escape my mind. To somehow avoid all of life’s problems and just be OK with ignoring what’s going on without any sort of inclination to “fix” it.

I woke up this morning in tears. That doesn’t normally happen. I felt, and have felt, like my life was crumbling. That there were things, specific things, that has happened recently that I’ve kind of just put on the back burner to leave and forget, except that doesn’t work. Eventually it comes back to haunt you. Until that moment where you feel like you can’t deal with the way things have been, but know that a large self discovery moment is needed. It’s just one of those things you can only do for yourself. You wish you could just snap your fingers to “fix” it, very much Mary Poppins style. Kind of have one of those clean sweep actions that everything is somehow taken care of in the blink of an eye.

Unsure of how to handle myself, I fell to the floor. I crawled into Childs Pose and I cried. I texted my friends. How did I let myself go? When I think of things over the past few months, there was never a “goodbye” for life’s major moments. I ended a three year relationship in June which left me pretty heartbroken only to feel worthless and ashamed of my own identity. Who had I become over a span of three years who couldn’t just stand up for what she ultimately knew she needed and craved deep down, but somehow couldn’t put it together for herself.

I realized some things about my life turning thirty. I tried to so dubbed “embrace the inner sexy” which only felt me feeling at more of a crux of how/why/can’t I just accept it for what it is? Of course, I tried to focus more on getting back to basics, but somewhere in the middle of it all, I became sick. And I’m still sick, and the whole “figuring it out” is beyond of what I can handle. But more importantly, I tried to let everything I couldn’t fix with a band-aid go. Life has it’s own challenges, it’s own moments that present a ride of it’s own. Just take care of it, smile and be happy that your life has taken a new adventure.

Then again, pre band-aid phase I had a crazy eight months of self reflective love, work and frustrations. I can literally feel every bone in my body start to tense up as I try and write this. Because of life’s everyday nagging pressures of striving to be the best daughter and more, I put my own life at risk. I stopped caring. I stopped. I didn’t care. I ended up having to miss on fun things, exciting things all because I craved perfection at the point of dropping too much weight, having to drink daily supplements but that wasn’t enough. I entered an inpatient treatment facility for Anorexia, which I thought I’d truthfully never leave.

But somehow I was able to put it together and “fix” myself with a support of people, soley my therapist who I called at all hours of the night and filling endless blank journals that was the private “blog” of the moment without any intention of publishing the entries. But being in there, completely closed off from the world, you can’t do anything but focus on you. The endless support of “you can do it” was endless. I really felt like I could embrace my inner sexy and let go of my strive for perfection. And be okay with that.

Fast forward three years later, some part of me still craves that perfection. That cookie cutter perfection that only exists within the manipulation tools of Photoshop. There’s a huge part of me that literally feels so overwhelmed inside. I wish life presented a different direction, but at least I’m alive.

This morning while feeling so empty inside and zero ability to put it together and feel acceptance of what it is, I looked at myself in the mirror. While staring back at myself, I whispered softly, “pretty girl why are you crying? Why are you so hard on yourself to the point of tears? Your life is too short to question each moment, each thing of uncertainty.”

To unwind, this afternoon calls for a good session of self-reflective therapy love, a good nap and a phone call to my best friend. I ask that you please be patient while I remove the Hello Kitty band-aids that I’ve had on my inner self for the past few years.

If I can’t love this, nobody will.

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2 Responses to “Sandcastle Dreams.”

  1. pursuitofhealthfulness October 25, 2010 at 4:55 pm #

    Believe me in that I know those feelings. I also know what you are intending by saying, “If I can’t love this, then nobody will. BUT, the real truth is recognizing that you DESERVE love, both from yourself and from others.

    • Cristina October 27, 2010 at 8:24 pm #

      @pursuitofhealthfulness,

      It’s a little bit of all too familiar, but I’m trying to write about positivity. But life sometimes throws you lemons, or that you think you’ve got your life together – only to realize the band-aids you put on are now starting to fall apart. I don’t like appearing that I’m a mess to others, especially to myself. It’s hard place to settle with.

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