Good Enough.

26 Nov
It’s such a strange time of year. To only think that last year I was looking at engagement rings and nearly six months later, I’m single and there’s not a ring on my finger. I honestly thought I’d be planning a wedding right now. I thought I’d have something to share with other thirty-somethings my age, that I’m getting married, except I still feel “behind” that I haven’t found my Mr. Right.

I knew what I had to do. I sometimes regret the decision I made, just because I don’t like being alone. This year alone has had it’s definite ups and downs, more downs than anything, but I can’t say I’ve regretted the process. I hate being one of those girls who feels like she needs to have someone by her side. I’m not. I’m independent, yet there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have someone that I can share my secrets and desires with. Even though I’ve had exactly eleven dates so far with Match.com, and only one of them wants to see me again (I do too), I hate the “game” of waiting to make it official.

I hate feeling like a serial dater. I do. I hate the feeling of pursuing multiple connections at one time. It feels like cheating. Especially when I’m really interested in one person (and it’s mutual), except I hate the feeling of wishing/wanting/hoping that he works out, only to be disappointed. It’s the.. I want to see him again soon, but a part of me wishes that he’d squeeze me in on Monday before his business trip. I sometimes still think that even if it’s just dating, that someone should put work into it to make it leap into something more, especially in the beginning.

See, I don’t like writing about my relationships. Especially new ones. I hate talking about with family/friends. Because I feel like I’m dooming myself if I do. There’s something so exciting about waiting to talk to him at the end of the day, because I enjoy our conversations, but simply it’s the waiting it out that I really dislike. It’s the whole “we met online” that is so tricky, because I hate seeing that he’s been active (as in logged into his account) since our date, which really makes me feel like crap.

It’s the whole “am I not good enough” feeling that I still deal with post my last relationship. I tend to question my own “good qualities” for someone else. Of course, you can’t change someone and I hate feeling, that conflicting feeling, that I’m not “complete” for someone else or that part of me has “broken” qualities. I hate feeling not pretty enough for someone else, especially when I feel inadequate about my own beauty.

Why can I just be good enough for myself and be done with it.

Advertisements

4 Responses to “Good Enough.”

  1. Dina El-Hakim November 27, 2010 at 7:46 pm #

    …only you can allow yourself to be good enough for yourself…then you’ll choose someone who is good enough for you. i feel ya though (on dating and finding someone).

    • Cristina November 27, 2010 at 7:48 pm #

      @Dina,

      Great words of advice, thank you.

  2. Sana November 27, 2010 at 11:35 pm #

    I just texted “I tend to question my own “good qualities” for someone else.” this to the bf because you summed up my thoughts. He did not understand.

    • Cristina November 27, 2010 at 11:42 pm #

      @Sana,

      He did not understand what so ever. I really struggle with this. In fact, I decided to return to seek counseling (it’s complicated, just DM me on Twitter about it) to try and repair the damaged goods from that relationship. I really wonder, and I often compare. I’m not “pretty” enough. I’m not “confident” enough. I’m just not enough, which I think all of this, fueled my “The Barbie Complex” post.

      I should write a book on self image. I could tell some good stories.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: