Addicted Part 2.

29 Jan
I’m not negative. I’m actually quite positive, despite what others may believe when they look at my face. I always have the biggest smile on my face. But I admit, sometimes I smile to mask the pain. The feeling of being so incomplete, so unwhole that I wonder… am I really finished or is this just the beginning of something bigger to come?

I’ve been out of treatment (totally out, and some random therapy sessions here and there – and I think she thinks I fired her again) for about three and a half years. At the time of my last relationship, I was pursuing outpatient treatment at MEDA. It was a period of my life that I desperately needed to achieve permanent change. It wasn’t about living for tomorrow, it was about living for the minute. It may not sound good, but sometimes focusing on the minute, staying in the present, can help me forget the other things running in and out of my head.

If I could survive a minute without disordered thinking, I’ve succeeded. Whenever I reflect upon my treatment and recovery as a whole, I’m reminded of my own success. Sure, I couldn’t of done it without the help of my friends and family. I laughed, I cried, and I was able for the first time to say “I feel pretty” one morning during check in at treatment. Many months later, I still struggle to stay this sentence outloud. I said it last night to myself while watching a show on the Oprah network, and tears began to trickle down my face.

I’m all about acceptance. Or trying to get there as close as possible. Sometimes that smile is just the write off of “I’m happy, don’t ask questions”. I still become overly defensive when someone asks what I ate. When I think about acceptance, it’s also about realizing when I’ve messed up. On the same fence, only I am responsible for my actions. You need to have positive role models around you to support and pick you up when you’re feeling down.

It’s a one day at a time process. I must say, I’m a huge Operation Beautiful fan. I sometimes want to leave love notes for myself. I’ve never been a fan of affirmations because they’ve always felt so fake. But I find reading the notes of others has a bigger impact. I am pro-recovery. Recovery is possible. Sure, it’s not easy to abolish negative thinking, but sometimes you come across an upsetting upsetting thought about your size equals happiness.

The purpose of the blog is to grow, love and accept myself through adventures of healthy living as a whole. The process isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Sometimes I focus on living in the moment. To be more present. I abolish the use of fat talk. I don’t do it. It’s not healthy and I try and look deep into myself to identiy what I’m feeling vs the size I feel.

Instead of trying to change what we can’t, let’s focus on what we can.


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